Overwhelmed? Do you sometimes feel like you are sinking and can’t keep your head above water? Maybe you have too many uncertainties, responsibilities, or perhaps it was the loss of a loved one. In all of these situations, imagine there is a life-raft floating right beside you and just as your head starts to completely sink underwater, a hand reaches into the water and pulls you up, rescuing you from the devastation you were going to allow yourself to endure. That’s Jesus! He walks among us and yet we can’t even see him and most of the time, we don’t even know he is there. That life-raft is our faith.
There have been many times in the past year and a half when I have questioned why traumatic things happen. Why does God let bad things happen to us? The answer is that if life was perfect, we wouldn’t see our true need for God. I have to keep reminding myself of this every day as I mourn the loss of our toddler who was killed by a distracted driver in 2019. I can testify that the only reason I didn’t pass away from a broken heart is because of our Lord. Here are some ways that I keep my eyes focused on God: Find a quiet/secret place to pray or simply talk to God as if you were talking to a very close friend, talk to God while running errands when you are by yourself, visit a garden to pray where the atmosphere might be more peaceful and serene, read a daily devotional such as Jesus Calling, and try a meditation app with Christian prayers like Insight Timer. Technology is so advanced now and there are so many options for Christian support like Christian-based Facebook groups or online Christian community groups. There are also bible studies like Bible Study Fellowship International which is truly an opportunity to fellowship face to face or online with other believers who are at different stages of their faith journey. Also, don’t be afraid to cry because it releases cortisol (stress hormone) and relieves some of the tension that may be built up from the trials of this life.
Remember that you are never alone because not only is Jesus walking among us every day but many other people are going through the same journey. Whatever you are going through, there will always be another person that is going through the same thing at the same time. Jesus sees us all, listens to our prayers, hears our cries for help, and has his arms wide open to hold onto us through this life. There is nothing that cannot be forgiven if you believe, pray, repent, then repeat. The Lord wants us to pray and ask forgiveness, try to repent from our lost ways, and then put it on repeat because it takes several tries before we are truly able to stop the sin for which we pray for forgiveness. Along with Jesus, our loved ones who’ve gone before us are with us and so are the angels and saints. We are only separated from Heaven by a very thin veil so we can’t see the other side but we know they’re there waiting to greet us when we’re ready to go home. My toddler, Allie Estelle, lets me know that she’s here all the time, even though I can’t see her. Since my relationship with God has grown so immensely, I’ve heard God’s voice and I’ve heard Allie’s voice since she passed. Our loved ones let us know they’re here, as long as we are paying attention and we are building our relationship with our Lord. Miracles happen when we believe and have faith. Don’t let even little miracles go unnoticed because that’s God’s way of letting us know he’s here and we are his children whom he loves so very deeply that he gave his only son to save us from our sin. Because God is immensely holy, we couldn’t be connected to our Lord through the Holy Spirit without the blood sacrifice of Jesus. That atonement made us worthy of his Holy Spirit and entrance into Heaven. We, now, have everlasting life so when our body dies, our soul stays alive and able to communicate with those of us still left here to finish out our days.
I encourage you to seek God more in your daily life because he is waiting with open arms and wants to bless you abundantly, especially through your trials.
Below is a video to show you how I connect with God and find peace. Simply check out the link below and it will take you to our YouTube channel. Enjoy!
As you know, we have spent the better part of 2020 trying to figure out what life is supposed to look like without our sweet Allie physically present in our lives. It has been a year of discovery, challenges, grieving, praying, and growing. We have grown in faith by leaps and bounds and have learned many things about Heaven that we had not previously known. To say that this year has been a roller coaster would be an understatement. All the while, working out really hasn’t been at the top of the priority list, I have to admit, but that is about to change.
Starting in 2020, we were still in a fog and stayed there for several months. We functioned and continued with daily schedules but it was like we were walking around in a zombie-like state. We have all continued with therapy while maintaining school schedules, work, swim practices, soccer, cheer, and Allie’s Way (our non-profit dedicated to preventing distracted driving). I started working out again with Camp Gladiator in the effort to keep my mind off missing Allie but it became too difficult to even figure out virtual workouts with our kid’s virtual school schedule. I “dropped it like it’s hot” on my workouts. I just quit in order to keep moving forward with helping my kids, maintaining the household duties (which somehow didn’t manage to stay maintained), and building Allie’s Way while honoring our precious girl on the most important dates of the year: distracted driving awareness month, her memorial, and her birthday.
Once I realized that I was often slipping away with negative thoughts about what happened or missing her so immensely that I was on the floor, I just started to pray more fervently. I realized that I don’t have to listen to the negativity in my mind or the depressive thoughts that would attack me at a moment’s notice, without warning. I realized that GOD HAS GOT ME! He’s got this too! As I prayed to relinquish those thoughts and stay focused on the truth, there is a resounding peace that came over me like a sweet, cuddly blanket. It shielded me from replaying the events that happened that day or thinking about the injustice that has been done. There were so many signs after Allie passed into Heaven. She often turned on the battery-powered candles in all of our rooms at various times depending on when we typically went to bed. These candles were not smart candles! They can’t be programmed to turn on, only to turn off after so many hours. I heard pings on empty glass vases that I had left on the countertop when no one else was there. My wicker basket in the bathroom once shifted in response to my movements. The most compelling piece of evidence that there is life beyond death is that I heard her! I was at home with our middle child and we both were sick with the flu. All the other neighborhood children, including ours, were at school and our dog was downstairs with us. Since we had been coughing so much, it would’ve been typical to hear Allie mimic our coughing. To my surprise, I heard it! I heard a tiny cough coming from upstairs and it was Allie’s voice. At the moment, I started to worry that she was getting sick until I realized that her body wasn’t there and she wouldn’t be catching the flu. Once I realized that she wasn’t physically there, I was relieved that she wasn’t sick, sad because I missed her, but elated that I got to hear her precious voice even if it was just a tiny moment that she coughed and copied us. On another occasion, I was listening to a bedtime story with music from an app that I had downloaded to help soothe our oldest daughter to sleep. She had been battling sleep issues since Allie passed. When the music in the story started playing, Madison had me pause the story because she felt a tiny hand on her arm. When the music started again, the tiny, invisible hand started swaying back and forth as if it were dancing. We knew it was Allie! We were shocked, amazed, mystified, and absolutely confused at how this could possibly happen. We know that Allie is with God and she is a little Saint in Heaven but everything is such a mystery and it is so mind-boggling, especially when you are experiencing such things in real life. It is one thing to read about God’s word in the bible but it is a completely different thing to experience some of what he says first hand. Another example I’ll leave you to ponder is that God actually spoke to me in a verbal sentence. I have always looked up to the people who God has spoken to like the prophets, saints, angels, and the disciples of Jesus but I never thought that I would be worthy enough to hear him speak. The almighty powerful creator himself answered my question. I had been asking him the same question so many times over again in prayer and in casual conversation speaking to him but never understood the answer. I asked him, “Lord, why did you take her?” On an errand run, while driving in the car, he spoke to me out loud in the most beautiful deep voice and said, “I didn’t take her. I gave you a gift.” That has stuck with me ever since and it has been ingrained in my brain. At first, it took me a while to figure out what that meant but once it came to me, I understood. He didn’t take Allie at all. He didn’t intend for this to happen to her but rather gave me the gift of having her and because he allows free will for us all, it was another woman’s selfish, reckless act that took Allie’s life. God just saved Allie from a life of torment and suffering if she had lived through the injuries she had sustained. This is my story of discovery and growth through really praying, leaning on God at my weakest points, and picking up my sword of truth and justice when necessary. The things that I have learned are that: Heaven is within arms reach, and we are only separated by a very thin veil (like a parallel universe); We all have that warrior inside us to be just, fight for truth, and help others. Our strength comes only from God!
It’s time to make progress!! It is now 2021 and now that I have reflected a bit on 2020, it is time to make goals for a new year. This may be a year of many unknowns but we can only do what we can do and leave the rest up to the Lord himself. My goal is to be healthier, happier, and more accomplished than I was before. While I’m honestly still incomplete without my baby, I can do my best to be my best for her, for my family, and for everyone out there who needs some inspiration and encouragement. I will be posting more TRX workout videos and workout guidance on this blog for moms like me who cannot seem to fit in a scheduled workout, much less an hour-long workout. I’ll take about 30 minutes maybe 10 on a really tough day but it’s better than nothing. I will post supplements and food ideas for those wanting to eat healthier or lose weight. I will also be highlighting some incredible new workout gear to make us feel better, sexier so we can get out of our sweats and get motivated. Last but not least, I will share some organizational tips to help keep families organized through virtual schooling and beyond.
I have poured my heart out about our journey this past year to shed some light on our important discoveries of faith and healing. I hope this has inspired you to hold tight to your faith through the worst of times, be gentle on yourself when you need to be, and take up your sword (metaphor) when you need to be a strong warrior. Never lose sight of the proven fact that the Lord walks among us as do our loved ones.
Stay strong, stay well, stay safe and carry on……..It’s 2021!
October 27, 2019
Messages From Above: Hope, Joy…2020
The night of September 29, 2019, we came home in a complete fog after losing our sweet little girl. We couldn’t even speak, much less think straight. I felt like I had taken 10 bottles of Benadryl and didn’t know where I was or what I was doing. I received a text from a woman that I knew from religious education classes at our church. Her name is Kendra and she wanted to bring over a friend of hers to meet us and help us through what would be the most painful test of our faith we would ever experience in our lives. I wasn’t sure, at first, if I was ready to meet new people but thought if I don’t leave the door open for new people to come into our lives, we may miss out on a possible source of healing. Oh boy, was I right! Kendra brought over Esther! She was a nun for 12 years in France and decided to leave the convent to work with mothers/parents who’ve lost children (both born and unborn). She is the “caretaker” of a house where people can go pray, meditate, and/or fellowship after the loss of a child. Her house is called the Loretto House https://vidiaquam.org/loreto-house/ . Esther walked with us through this journey and has pointed out Allie’s significance through signs that God gave to us. Esther pointed to God every step of the way and God was, no doubt, with us throughout all of our sorrow and grief. He is still with us and Esther is still pointing out things to us that are significant: things like Lana Vawser’s blog about people’s realignment of thinking starting from the date that Allie passed which (not a coincidence) aligns with the Jewish New Year Rash Hashana. I also love that I received a bracelet from a friend after Allie passed that read “Esther 4:14 Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created”. Allie’s life was no doubt purposeful, as much as we struggle internally every day with our loss. We know that Allie is our super hero and our saint.
Now, leading into 2020, we’ve received a NEW message of HOPE, HEALING, and even possible JOY. I’m faithful that God has this plan for us. In today’s Lana Vawser blog (I love how God speaks to her), she says that God told her this….
“The enemy has been trying to knock you out in every way from being “established” in all God has for you, but these attempts are breaking off in the impartation God is releasing and not only will you be established in the promises of God and new territory and not removed (Amos 9:15) you will move forward commissioned by God as an ESTABLISHER. One who is known to decree the Word of God, take the Lord at His Word and not compromise and every where your feet tread, you speak and decree and there will be mighty demonstrations of the establishment of His Rhema Word and in many instances in SUDDEN ACCELERATION and momentum.”
“When the Lord spoke “2020 LIFE BEGINS AGAIN” the depths of those words are deeper than I can even describe. They heralded restoration, they heralded the greatest new beginning that has ever been experienced. They heralded repayment, they heralded a clean slate, they heralded nothing wasted, they heralded a time of joy, a life time ahead, the best days ahead, they heralded opportunity, adventure, they heralded HOPE. Hope of things not remaining as they have been, but completely changing and being completely different but the underlying sense of those words was “JOY”. The Lord is restoring JOY to His daughters. The Lord is bringing restoration in some of the most spectacular ways that has ever been seen. Regrets melted away, disappointment broken off, heaviness removed, grief healed an invitation into a depth LIFE in a way that has not been experienced before. (John 10:10)”
To read the full blog article from Lana Vawser….go to: https://lanavawser.com/2019/10/27/daughters-of-god-the-battle-has-been-fierce-because-you-are-about-to-step-into-a-life-changing-impartation-from-the-spirit-of-god/
I can’t help but hope this pertains to our family as well as all those families out there who have been struck by tragedy. I also can’t help but think that God is intending us to speak up and spread his word, listen to his voice, and hear all that he has in store for us in the coming year. He wants us to be empowered to stand firm in his word against the evil one. Don’t listen to any negativity in your head or in your life because you know God and you know THAT doesn’t come from God! God is loving, faithful, and unconditional with his love for us. He WANTS us to be happy and he WANTS us to thrive even through our tragedy! We MUST keep our eyes focused on his word, his works and on HIM! His promises are so true! I can guarantee you that. He didn’t give us Allie to take her away and devastate us. Quite the opposite…even though we struggle in our healing, he gave Allie to us because he trusted us to bring her up in his way, knowing him so she could help save children from a disastrous world of busy, preoccupied people. He gave us Allie because he KNEW we would be the best parents for her and I am honored to have been given that responsibility to raise that sweet, holy child. As we go about our day today and in the upcoming weeks or months ahead, let’s not forget his promise and stay focused with our eyes on the one who heals.
On September 29, 2019, the day began as the most joyous day and ended the most tragic day of our lives. It was a day that would shatter our world and change our lives forever. That morning while we were getting ready for church, I asked the kids excitedly what we would dress up like for Halloween. Our precious Allie Estelle (2 years 9 months) said, “I a superhero!” in true toddler language. Little did we know she would be an actual superhero……she is a Saint!
Her brothers and sister agreed that would be a great idea and we all were excited about what was to come. We went to church and my husband and I couldn’t, for some reason, take our eyes off our precious little girl. We were so in love with her and so amazed at how beautiful, sweet, and tiny she was. I was stroking her forehead and the back of her neck, just pouring my love out on her while my husband, Chris, was enjoying watching her and doting on her as well. She was always the light, joy, and laughter of each day. She brought immense unity and unending love to our family. After church, our teenage daughter and I were getting ready for religious education while my husband, Chris, took our two boys and Allie to the soccer game. A distracted driver whizzed into the parking lot like she was on fire and within seconds our precious angel was gone. She didn’t even know she hit our baby. Our lives were shaken and shattered that day. Since then, it’s been an internal battle of brains, hearts, and faith for us all. Through this struggle, the torment, the tears, and the pain, we have seen God’s precious hand with us every . single . step . of the way!
Psalm 30:11 “You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; you have loosed my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness…”
Allie Estelle White was born December 8th, 2016 (one of the best days of our lives), which also happens to be the Immaculate Conception of Mary (the conception of the Virgin Mary free from original sin so she would be holy enough to give birth to God’s precious son, Jesus. The Catholic Church teaches that God acted upon Mary in the first moment of her conception, keeping her “immaculate“). https://www.franciscanmedia.org/solemnity-of-the-immaculate-conception/ An additional fact to Allie’s birth is that she was born without blood on her and her head was just as perfect as it could possibly be. She was also 6.666666 lbs.
I don’t know God’s meaning behind Allie’s birth weight but we could theorize based on facts. The number 6 represents secular completeness since it is the day God completed the creation of the world. The number 6 in the Bible is all about man and his labor and it signifies man’s shortcomings and the corruption he added into the world created by God. I know God uses tragedy and loss to make a good impact and save the masses of people left here on earth and so this is what I feel his mission was/is for Allie Estelle and her legacy. She left our world to save millions of people and help realign their thinking and their priorities in life. She is the “martyr of busy” and her death shows us that we are all too busy in this world with our distractions, our technology, and our schedules to see life as important. Love those around you, whether you know them or not and pay attention. The phones and schedules can wait because a tardy is NOT worth another tragedy!
Allie was our gift from God! We were using natural family planning and were consistently preventing pregnancy for two years prior to finding out that the month she was conceived, I mysteriously ovulated a week early. Allie was conceived on March 25, 2016 (exact ovulation date as I was tracking it all on an app), which is also the date the angel Gabriel appeared to Mary and told her that she would be mother to baby Jesus. https://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/christianity/holydays/annunciation.shtml
Allie was in our family photo for Easter 2017 and she looks almost identical to Our Lady Lourdes. They were wearing the same color dress, same rosettes on the feet, and same blue colored sash. This outfit and picture was not planned since at the time I had no idea about the story of Our Lady Lourdes (an apparition of Mary). See for yourself. https://catholicexchange.com/a-little-history-of-the-apparition-of-our-lady-at-lourdes
Our Lady Lourdes Allie Estelle White
“SOME OF THE GREATEST ALIGNMENTS OF YOUR LIFE ARE GOING TO TAKE PLACE AT ROSH HASHANAH, ENTERING INTO 5780 AND BEYOND” -Lana Vawser Ministries
Another clue into Allie Estelle’s importance and her God-given purpose is that she passed away on September 29, 2019 at about 1:30pm, which just so happens to be the start of Rash Hashana (Jewish New Year). In Jewish terms, the year 2020 is the Hebraic year 5780. God spoke to a woman who is extremely religious and writes a blog about her experiences with God. She wrote this blog on September 20th and it explains that God spoke to her about the significance of this Rash Hashana. God told her “There will be an ACCELERATION OF ALIGNMENT that will take place at Rosh Hashanah and in the entering into of 5780”. Lana Vawser is the blog writer who heard from God and she said, “The Lord showed me glimpses of the magnitude of 2020 and the Hebraic Year 5780 and what He kept repeating was “It is bigger than you realize. It’s bigger than you can imagine. What I am going to do is so completely NEW that require new alignment and alignments in order to carry what I am going to release.”” When I read that, I couldn’t help but remember that Allie’s story has so far been shared to millions of people over social media including blogs and neighborhood apps. People have been responding in a resounding way by offering to slow down, pay attention, and realize the most important things in life are children and/or each other! Then I reflected on the number of people who showed up to honor Allie and our family which was around 800-1,000 people, also the most in the church’s long history. Allie has made a massive imprint on this world already since her story has been shared not only in several states but also in different countries and it is just going to keep getting bigger as time progresses. She will make an impact on this world like NEVER before. I am so proud to be her Mommy. Maybe this is just one event to start this plan that God has for us but either way, I feel that God intended for Allie to take this world by storm and then come home. I can feel more at peace knowing his plan for her even though I miss her more than anyone could ever imagine.
Also in that blog, God told her, “There is going to be MAJOR wealth transfers that are going to take place where the wealth of the world will be handed to many in the body of Christ on unprecedented levels to EXTEND the Kingdom of God and see the Gospel extended throughout the earth. The Lord is going to move the hearts of those who do not even know Jesus yet to financially give into the Kingdom of God to see the Gospel extended.” When I reflected on what this meant, I realized that many, many people (don’t know exact numbers) have given to the churches in Allie’s name. Even people who are not Christians or who may not even go to church have given money in Allie’s name to churches all over the state and some in different states. We’ve seen this prophesy (if that’s the right term) become reality through our sweet precious baby girl.
Here’s an even greater sign that I experienced. I received some beautiful handmade leather bracelets with scriptures on them from a friend of mine who used to do bible study with me. She sent a mass of them for us to pick out our favorite. I chose the one that said “Esther 4:14 This is the moment for which you have been created”. It was particularly meaningful to me since Esther (our friend who is a nun) has helped us through this journey of grief and healing to see God’s comforting hand in our lives every day. And the verse was special because I know God created Allie for this purpose, to change lives. After I had picked out my bracelet, I read the blog written by Lana Vawser, and in it she says………..
4:14 LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN! I heard the words “4:14 like you have never seen”. When I asked the Lord what He was saying I heard the words “Esther 4:14”
I was immediately blown away and had goosebumps down my arms. I have known through this journey and all these signs that God has been with us, but I didn’t realize this was his plan for Allie all along until we read this which put everything together. I love how God manages to only give us bits and pieces of information at a time because otherwise, we wouldn’t be able to process or understand all that he has for us. He is such an amazing and sovereign Lord/Father. Please feel free to read the blog by Lana Vawser, it is inspiring and eye-opening! https://lanavawser.com/2019/09/25/some-of-the-greatest-alignments-of-your-life-are-going-to-take-place-at-rosh-hashanah-entering-into-5780-and-beyond/
This story doesn’t end here, it’s only beginning. I know this is a lot to try to process (it was for me as well), but I will continue to share our experiences and the signs that have all pointed to our Lord. It is inspiring and brings hope in a world where sometimes it’s hard to find. We ARE Allie Estelle’s voice…..ALL of US….. and together we can continue the mission to save other children, bring more respect for life, and above all else point people to God where they may not have seen his hand in their lives. God is ALWAYS here with us. We just have to open our hearts and our minds to receive the messages he is giving. LOVE each other with all your heart and cherish each moment.
It seems all too often we focus on our kids schedules, play dates, education, homework, sports, and achievements way more than our marriage.
I have a story to tell you. I was helping my son with his science fair project a long time ago for an entire day and most of the evening. We took a few hours in the afternoon to play mini golf and hang out with friends but then it was back to work once we got home. We are typically so busy in the week that I wanted to make sure that we got it done while they had the day off from school. Well, I was so stressed about helping him finish that I totally disregarded the fact that my sweet husband had fed, bathed, and put all the kids to bed while I was helping my oldest son Tyler. He had installed a brand new toilet the day before while watching our toddler because I had my TRX class and I taught my religious education class to kindergartners. He has done some amazing things the last few days and I have totally let that recognition slip by without a word. Yet, I was so stressed out that I vented to him about how stressed I was and the poor guy thought I was fussing at him and that he didn’t do enough when in fact he had gone above and beyond what I ever expected of him. That is the purpose of this article is to share with you my experiences or downfalls as it may seem so that it might help you if you may be experiencing some of the same things. Raising multiple children to be morally upstanding, amazing, successful adults is not for the faint of heart but neither is managing a relationship on top of that. The good thing is that my husband completes me and makes my other half so I am thankful. I’m not saying we are perfect or have this marriage thing down but we are a good work in progress.
Therefore, I believe that in some situations, our poor spouses are left with the overwhelming leftover stress that sometimes tends to take us over. Well, I have finally found a way to possibly help that situation a little. The Deacon of our church, who is amazing by the way, told me once that “A marriage is to become holy, not happy.” What he meant is that marriage is for making us holy in the eyes of God because we give so much in order to make our spouse and children happy. That doesn’t mean that it can’t be a respectful, happy marriage but that both parties sacrifice for each other to make each other happy. That makes us holy and enables us to get even closer to our goal of someday living an eternal life in Heaven with our Lord. My husband and I had a really deep conversation and I realized that, yes, perhaps sometimes I let the stresses of our kids overwhelm me (and him) at times and I, as well as he, forgets to appreciate the other spouse. It’s time to appreciate and let him/her know all the good things they do. Build they’re confidence but at the same time, if they aren’t respecting you, let them know and tell them this needs to change for the health and well being of the marriage. Remember to recognize the little things they do to help or support you because its the little things that make the most difference. I am a sensitive person and having a loving, nurturing relationship means the world to me while he is an engineer who looks at things completely differently from an analytical perspective. There is a potentially, amazing balance between the two types of people but both parties have to compromise in order for it to work. We have a system that works for us, keeps us sane, helps the kids be successful, and helps our family balance well. The kids get their “family Friday” where we play games or do something fun so they don’t feel like they’re just doing school work or sports all the time and we get to bond with them but we need our time too. We have to pencil in date nights but most importantly apologize when necessary, be humble (no one is perfect) but request respect, be open, be willing to listen and compromise, and most importantly recognize the efforts of the other person. I hope this helps those seeking a closer bond with their significant other. It’s way too easy to take them for granted but the truth of the matter is, “what would we do without them?” No matter how we may frustrate each other at times, I couldn’t imagine my life without my husband and God made us that way for a reason. We truly need each other. I am no expert on marriage but I love to LOVE and I love to be truly LOVED. If it doesn’t work in discussion, write a love letter explaining your needs as well as what you would be willing to do/change in order to make him/her be happier in your relationship as well. I believe in balance and I know for sure that it is possible. You don’t have to sacrifice helping your kids with sports, homework, tutoring, or anything else. You can balance it all out and make it work! We all need time to slow down and it is good to take a breather from all the activity at times. Just never give up because a relationship and family is too important to settle for less. If you don’t give life everything you’ve got, then you can’t realize your full potential.